Abez Is... 
Wait until the electricity goes out, leaving you in pitch-darkness and utter boredom. Then feel your way into the kitchen and slap at the counter blindly for the box of matches. First you must put your hands into something wet and sticky, and then you must slap a fork. You will find the matches eventually.
Light one and start looking for a candle. While you are intent on looking for a candle, allow the match to burn all the way down to your fingers. Yelp and throw the match away angrily. Don’t bother trying to set the house on fire though, it’s made of cement. So, light the candle and shake the match to put it out. Make sure that somehow you’ve dipped the match into molten wax though, because otherwise when you shake it, you won’t get hot wax all over your hand. Make a pitiful face and try to peel the wax off. Die in the process if the pain hasn’t already killed you.
The pro of using the shook-match-hot-wax-system is that your thumb will be smooth and free of unwanted hair. The con, however, is that you will be free of unwanted skin as well. The End.
Yeah, the electricity went out today. Where’d it go? I don’t know, shopping maybe. It left us in the dark with nothing to do but sit around the candles and wonder how people ever lived before the advent of electricity. We tried to make a list of things to do that required neither electricity or light, and we came up with:
1. Slap mosquitoes.
2. Stare at each other.
3. Think about what we would do if we had electricity.
4. Make phone calls in the dark.
5. Use the bathroom in the dark.
6. Wash your hands in the dark.
7. Decide that candle light is not at all romantic.
Seriously, Alhamdulillah for electricity! Thank God for the lights and the microwave and the computer, especially the computer. And ESPECIALLY the fans. Sheesh, without the fans the mosquitoes feasted on us. We were wondering if they hadn’t combined forces and cut our electricity as part of a devious plan. You know, a couple mosquitoes, just a thousand or so, decide to cram their little bodies into the circuit breaker all at once with the intention of causing a short so that the rest of them, just a million or so, can prey on us under the cover of darkness. Props to the mosquitoes for pulling it off. They got a few good hits on me while the lights were out.
The ants do the same thing when it rains. Seeking shelter, they crawl into the space beneath our doorbell button where all the circuits and wires and stuff are located. (Techno-twit ahoy!) Hundreds of soggy, wet ants make it in there and get electrocuted and die, and then the water they brought with them conducts electricity and causes the doorbell to ring nonstop. Our doorbell sounds like a bird- a big, vicious, electric bird, and when it goes off non-stop we start to feel like extras in an Alfred Hitchcock film. We can’t do anything about it while it’s still raining, short of turning off the electricity to the house. We have to wait until it stops so we can go out, pop the cover off the doorbell, scrape out the electrocuted ants and then blow-dry all the circuits and wires (and stuff!).
Oh yes, the moral of this story is: You never know what you got till it’s gone! Especially when you’re trying to microwave something. Hmmph.
Labels: Mortal Wounds
posted by Abez @ 5/14/2003 10:15:00 PM
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