AbezAbez Is... 50% White, 50 % Pakistani, Muslim Hijab-wearing type female, Daughter of Momma, Sister of Owlie Wife of HF, Momma of Khalid, a special little boy with Autism, and Iman, a special little girl with especially big hair, Writer, Graphic Designer, Editor, Freelancer, Blogger, Inhaler of Chocolate
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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Ramadan or the Lack Thereof, Part I

Once upon a time, Ramadan was really, really sacred. Owlie and I read Qur’an aloud each night, broke our fast on as little food possible, had reasonably small dinners and felt light and alive and grateful. This Ramadan is hugely disappointing, I feel like a Ramadan Failure.

I’m not fasting because I need to nurse bebeface. That in itself does not at all make me a failure. Alhamdulillah, Allah knows His creations well, and allows certain exceptions to the fast, nursing mothers included. I will make the entire month of fasts up when I can, but as the days pass one after the other, I feel more and more as if I’m missing something that I can never get back. I feel, well... almost sore about it. I feel left out at Iftar time; me munching on dates then is not what it used to be. The first date at Iftar, the first bit of sweet, soft fruit that you put in your mouth is better than a hundred dates in any other month. That warm little cup of tea used to make up for hours of self-denial in its first sip. Iftar was quiet and contemplative and, for lack of a better word, magical.

It used to be that Ramadan passed slowly. The first few days were agonizing, of course, but after a week or so, they had a certain, gradual sweetness to them. You counted the days of Ramadan not as being closer to the end of deprivation, but as being nearer to the happiness of Eid. I remember an Eid spent in Islamabad when it was just Owlie and me praying Eid Salah at Faisal Masjid. Now, we come from a very ‘Suck it in, Walk it off, If you lose you leg, don’t come crying to me’ kind of family, but we let all the force fields down after Eid prayer and give each other happy, sincere hugs. I remember that hug, I miss it.

I used to read Qur’an. I used to open its pages and read and re-read the lines until I registered them, understood them, thought about them. It was slow going, but speed was not the issue, comprehension was.

I used to pray Fajr. Now, a combination of odd baby-related sleep habits plus laziness and growing spiritual apathy on my part mean I pray a handful of Fajrs a month. It’s embarrassing to say, but what purpose would it be to hide it? Everything I do, and don’t do, will come out before every human ever born on the Day of Judgment. Blogistan, compared to All of Humanity, is peanuts, and compared to God, Humanity is dust.

-to be continued-

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5 Comments:

At 5/10/06 6:30 PM, Anonymous Taubah said...

Bismillah

Assalaamua'alikum,

I remember my first Ramadan after my daughter was born. The feelings you are expressing are similar with all mothers with children I believe. We have to redefine how to practice and indulge in what use to be very spiritual and serene. Now the baby is crying, the house is a mess, you have to clean, cook, take care of bebeface, and have energy enough to find a spot of solitude and remembrance of Allah. It feels at first as if it is simply slipping away. Your core, that beauty you once felt within yourself, that tranquility.... I'm going on my second child, and it gets hard. But I'll tell you the most beautiful feeling in the world.. the most tranquil sound is the sound of your small little babeface recite Lailahaillah!. Or calls on Allah, recites a prayer, bends down in her first Rukut. We teach our children that which we know, and we show them that beauty that is Islam and through them and through your efforts to teach and guide them, I sweare you feel that once lost feeling of nearness to Allah. You feel that love, that .... whatever it's called that you seem not to feel right now... insha'allah it comes back during Ramadan and all the other months.
Right now my daughter is just about three years old. She surprizes me with all she knows about Islam and Allah. I can't fast this Ramadan so I know how you feel, but teaching Zahra (my daughter) about Ramadan, and reading little Quran stories for little hearts, and watching Adams world about being thankful to Allah and Ramadan specials... It makes Ramadan special again. Seeing her grow and understand. And it brings together the family. Anyway, it comes back, just make Dua, it comes back Masha'Allah.

 
At 6/10/06 8:06 PM, Blogger DeOwl said...

Well, at least we had those days, no? And maybe we'll find them again. Right now, Ramadan is about trying not to snap at my coworkers while nursing a migraine and hearing them complain about being hungry and then invite me out drinking with them. 0_0

 
At 8/10/06 11:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bebeface is a part of Allah, no? So it follows that whatever you do with your baby is doing 'for' Allah, as well.

Be well.

xx

Thyme

 
At 10/10/06 9:42 AM, Blogger Abez said...

Taubah, JazakAllah, I appreciate that you shared your experience. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one, and it gives you hope to know that it isn't permanent, InshaAllah

Owlie: Your work is full of crazies. Now where's the cognac? It's almost Iftar time... (I miss thee)

Thyme: Well, Bebeface isn't part of God, but he is a trust from God, and a gift,and caring for him is a blessing. (Muslims don't believe in omnipresence of God. :)

 
At 17/10/06 12:27 AM, Blogger The Sane One said...

:-----)

a long faced smile from me.

 

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